If I Go to Israel

If I go to Israel, I’m quitting the best job I’ve ever had.
If I go to Israel, I’m putting friendships on hold.
If I go to Israel, I’m leaving my Mom and Dad alone.
If I go to Israel, I’m putting my plans for future apartments, cars, and other possessions on hold.

If I go to Israel, I’m spending $1500 on a plane ticket.
If I go to Israel, I’m working for months with no pay.
If I go to Israel, I’m working at a job that would not benefit me in the long run.
If I go to Israel, I risk paying extravagant amounts for rent, or living in a shithole of a dorm.
If I go to Israel, I don’t know how I’ll get around if public transit fails me.

If I go to Israel, I will need to find things to do.
If I go to Israel, I need to make new friends.
If I go to Israel, I will need to overcome a language barrier.
If I go to Israel, I will be seen as an outsider.
If I go to Israel, everything I work toward will be temporary.

If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl who I know I will have to leave within a few months.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl who I’ve only seen for a few months within the past two years.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl whose family, work, and social problems have tended to bring me down.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl who I’ve learned I cannot trust.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl who breaks promises.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl with the knowledge that she has cheated on me.
If I go to Israel, I’m seeing a girl who I once loved but can no longer say I do.

Why would I go to Israel?

Realize

I’m just realizing that, after more than four years of having my social circle based outside of San Rafael, that I really have no remaining social circle IN San Rafael. I had a good amount of friends to hang out with back in the day (whether I took advantage of that fact is a different story), but then I was in Santa Cruz for four years, and while I was here over the summer, for the most part it wasn’t spent socializing. Besides work, I don’t really know what it was spent doing. Moping, maybe.

I don’t know what really happened to San Rafael. People moved to Silicon Valley to pursue more lucrative stuff, I grew out of some activities that others kept with, and with others I just lost touch.

Well now that I’m considering the Bay Area as my long term place to live (Seattle and Israel being other places), I have to sort of build that strong social connection back up again, and now I have the time and resources to do it. I’m looking at local blogs, checking out forums to see what people my age are up to, and hell, this is the Bay Area; there’s a ton of stuff happening all the time. Not a whole lot in San Rafael, per se, but I moved back to the Bay Area knowing I’d be driving all over the fucking place. A blessing and a curse.

Shiranne’s going through a similar thing. Might have to distance herself from some groups of friends, but she’s got the gumption to go and make new groups and try new things. My sister posted on her blog that she wishes I’d go do the same thing – and yes, I certainly am.

But right now my butt really hurts so I’m going to take this weekend off… heh. Tomorrow I’m going with my pops to the Maker Faire! Anyone else down?

Home

Funeral was intensely pleasant. Saw family and friends I was long overdue to see, shared good stories, and presented what is now basically a shrine to my stepmom – our house. It’s full of cards, flowers, and laptops showing Betty slideshows – that’s temporary – but the pictures, her furniture, her books, her decorations, her garden all remain. The service itself was conducted in the most awesome of places. I don’t know how many of you had been to my dad’s house before, but there’s a creek running under the front deck. The service leader from Hospice stood next to the creek and spoke to everyone looking down at him from the deck’s railings surrounding him above. My dad was a story up, looking out from his bedroom’s balcony. Obviously, a very emotional but also very pleasing event. First funeral I’d ever been to… the word “enjoyable” is inappropriate, but you know what I mean.

Anyway I wanted to blog because of a random thought: my technology locates me.
– I barely ever leave a room without my phone.
– I bring my laptop to wherever I’m either working or staying over at.
– My desktop basically establishes where I “live” – fittingly, it’s one of the last things I’m moving down from Seattle after I come back from Spring Break.

I’ve had to answer what I’m doing now and what I plan on doing within the next year about 10 times today. The answer is basically “I don’t know” – but what I do know is that I’m in love and it feels pretty nice.

Locked because employers are looking… (actually who cares – unlocked)

This weekend, despite voting and gaming with friends and going shopping with other friends and attending a friend’s recital and friendsfriendsfriends I’m still feeling pretty neglected and lonely right now. Also I feel pretty incompetent because I bombed a midterm today and I’ve just been thinking about my path as a grad student and just thinking I should quit and work retail, etc. etc. etc. Mostly feeling hopeless.

But given that I’m continuing to make friends and do things and work hard and get job offers, most of this whining is unfounded. All I can say is I’m glad my emotions are working again to make me feel pretty crappy while, in the big picture, everything’s pretty okay. I bet tomorrow or the day after I’ll feel awesome again. Ups and downs! This is the sort of stuff I’ve wanted for a long time.

My stepmom will die within the next few days, and interestingly enough, that’s the least of my worries. It’s not really a worry at all. Dying sucks, but death is when the healing can begin. What I really feel bad about is not Betty’s life ending – it’s really what she’s leaving behind. She has a son, estranged from our family due to his disability (Down’s syndrome), she’s leaving my dad a widower, and I can imagine he’ll feel lonely for an exhorbitant amount of time, her insurance business will disappear, et cetera. The amount of people her death affects is much more saddening than her actual death.

At least this is the explanation I’m giving to the lack of emotion I’m showing for the entire issue. Talking to my dad and sister certainly affects me, because I hate to see them this way. But I feel like it’s almost insulting how little caring I seem to be putting forth.

I’m considering living with my dad for the summer. The house is big, and as my dad put it, it’s like a Betty museum considering the amount of possessions and decorations of hers. It would certainly be more fulfilling than Seattle, where I still don’t know anyone well enough to regularly hang out with – and even if I did, they probably wouldn’t be around during the summer.

The future’s so uncertain, especially now when I’m feeling down in the dumps. What am I doing, why am I doing it, and what should I be doing? The thing is, I can answer all of those questions, so why am I still asking them?