The following blog, like many others of mine, deserves a disclaimer. My opinions can get so radical sometimes that the average person would just blow it off as stupid drivel. Although it could very well be that, my opinions are original and they are OPINIONS, so there’s no sense in proving them wrong.

I was talking to my friend Hannah today, and we got to the topic of love and hate. Hannah says that “love makes you feel not so infinitely small,” and I agree with her. But the thing is, I can’t confirm that from first-hand experience.

Of course I care for my friends and family. I care so very much. But is that really love? Is that really devoting one’s life to another? Do I, or have I, really ever felt love?
This can also go the opposite way. I don’t think I’ve ever felt hate for anything – hate being an emotion so strong that I’d devote my life to the destruction of another. Fortunately, hate isn’t a very widely felt emotion these days.

What is it I feel instead? I think the proper term is “care.” That’s about in the middle of hate and love. In both hate in love, you care about what you’re doing to the other person. Yes, you care, in a way, even about the person you hate. If you just brushed them off and completely ignored them, you wouldn’t really hate them.

I can most easily express a lot of my feelings, or lack of them, with a common example: the attacks of September 11 of last year. What did I feel when I first saw the attacks? Not sadness, not happiness. Not hate, not love. Not even caring. All I really felt was excitement from all the following hype. (Just so you don’t kill me over lack of sympathy: another online friend of mine was practically rejected from his drama class because he stated that he “would have done the same thing if he was in bin Laden’s shoes”.)

My drama class definitely wanted to act because of 9/11, though. They believed the administration gave almost no notice to the attacks. So they put on a Memorial Project, where they would share their feelings and thoughts about 9/11 and make a play, or a series of skits, about it. Both presentations (there are two drama classes) turned out beautifully. But before we even started in on talking about the attacks, we went around the room, asking if everyone was comfortable with the project. Everyone said they were, except for me.

Why did I decline to do the project? Well, I seemed to be the only one who showed a lack of emotion. I couldn’t really put my thoughts and feelings in, because I didn’t think much about it. My view on human nature had been so simplified to a point that it almost seemed natural. The religious extremism, the loss of life, the outpour of patriotism, the following war… human nature. I wasn’t surprised, happy, sad, angry, hateful, or loving one bit. I decided to keep my mouth shut (although I didn’t have much to say) and make the backdrop for the project, which ended up measuring 16’x8′. People appreciated my effort and were moved by the imagery, but all it was was another art project to me. Another MIDI, another comic. I cared about it just as much, and just as little.

So that’s my weird state of emotions. What persuaded me to write all this? No emotion, that’s for sure. I just feel pensive, that’s all. Hope you understand what I mean.

So everyone was over today. I threw a party and every local internet person I know came. And 80’s and Jeff and Lauryne too.

We started off by watching “Kentucky Fried Movie.” It was like SNL, only it had lots of boobies and wasn’t as funny, and it made everyone uncomfortable. It had a pretty good Kung Fu movie parody, though, probably better executed than Kung Pow!, but then again I’ve never seen that movie. Afterwards, we watched the AMAZING VIDEO OFFER~! that James compiled, and that was funnier. Then it was time for burgers and garlic bread and ham+swiss roll thingies oh my. And then we played muchos DDRz0rs. I sort of forgot that Mikosi could play DDR so well, and Bryan beats me at everything. So we all did well. And everyone there played at least one game even if they didn’t know how, so I applaud everyone.

*clap*
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James also gave me that CD-R of every DDR song known to man for Dance With Intensity. Whoooo now I get to try ultra-hard 7th Mix songs.

So overall it was a blast and if you weren’t there then your only excuse is that you live across the country but I said that every local internet person was there so everyone has and excuse.

I’m too busy with my free time activities. :P

So there’s a PARTY AT MARK’S JEFFREY’S HOUSE on Saturday. And everyone’s invited. Should be fun. We’ll watch a “movie” and then play some DDR. And there will be BEEF! And Paul is coming.

I finished a MIDI of I Love You by Faith Evans. Ugggh. How dare Brian request that song just to show how gay he is.

And my job? Good. Pretty generic, but I’m having fun.

And now time for DDR and MIDIs!

“OMG NO LTRBOMBZ OR 231 X ATW SEX0R THX BYE” – Almasy Marquis

So we got our first out-of-state payment from Almasy. I told him I didn’t get it and he needs to send it again… when just then I noticed a letter waiting for me upstairs. So yeah, I hope he gets the message before we get two checks from him. James would probably cash the second one as well, that CAPITALIST. Heeheh, I made it sound like I was really mad at James today. We’re not on speaking terms!

So my internship starts tomorrow. I wonder what I’ll be doing. Even more importantly, I wonder if my employer will remember that he’s hired interns. It feels like a really laid-back position. But just as long as I get to sit down and design websites all day, I’ll be fine.

And now for random stuff… I beat FFX and FFIX for fun today. FFX is easy, while FFIX is comparably NOT. And the graphics are somewhat overdone on FFIX. I mean, while Flare in FFX is just a little flame spouting out, Flare in FFIX is A BIG MONSTER RED EXPLOSION KABLOOEY DEAD OUCH.

My arms are hurting less today. They will hurt more tomorrow when I get back to my personal trainer. He used to play soccer for Brazil, so he’s rather strong, and damn, he gets me in positions that Brian wouldn’t even dream of.

<Sketchee> Oh I have, Jeffy, I have.

And I leave you with this parting word:
BUY JOLT COLA ENERGY RUSH SORBITOL MINTS NOW.

For those of you in Central Time Zone, Happy Father’s Day. I got my dad a headset for his cellphone, and a fake report card, saying I got all A’s, and on the back it says I got an A in “Manipulation of Report Cards.” Har har har.

And I finally submitted and got one of those spiffy LED lights… and God DAMN are they bright. And it says they last 110,000 hours or something. Weird shit.

Speaking about shit, there was that South Park episode where they said “shit” 162 times. Fun stuff.

And I’m throwing a party next weekend, probably on Sunday. I’m telling everyone to bring their DDR pads, yay.

I can’t really type anything massive because I can’t stop thinking about my arms, which are in tremendous pain right now. I started working out with a personal trainer yesterday, and his upper body workout is a killer. No pain no gain. But OUCH.

School’s out.

SCHOOL’S OUT YAY W00T WHEE HAPPY ROFL PANTS WOW JOY CELEBRATE DIRGE YGGDRASIL

I have never been so happy about summer vacation. I have so much spum to do this summer, and now that school’s out, I’ll actually have all the time to do it.

First of all, I get my internet priveleges back, finally. Hello World!

I can start back up on my MIDIs. I’ve officially stopped accepting free MIDI requests until I get all the other ones done. It’s mainly to get the pressure off my back of having 14 people waiting on me. But I’m still taking paid requests, so that’s k3wl.

My internship starts next week. W00! I hope they give me some fun work. I wonder what exactly I’ll be doing with their websites.

And I can now play video games again! That means DDR all summer long. And maybe I’ll get Gitaroo-Man or something… music games are funfun.

Well, now it’s off to my dad’s house, where my sister has probably been playing DDR all day (she got out of school yesterday).

My Chemistry final? Well here’s another analogy: GAME OVER. But at least it’s at the end of the game and all my friends let me see the ending.

And I leave you with a sad thought: my class of 2003 is the first class to become seniors after 9/11. *cry* *cry*

Studying for Chemistry. Best way to describe it is like leveling up for a final battle.

Furthermore, there’s a song from DDR Konamix that’s also in Zone of the Enders! While I never thought of DDR having/sharing music from/with ZoE, it seems painfully obvious once I notice they’re both by Konami. :P

I’ll find out the name of the song tomorrow, when I can legally (according to my parents) play the thing… because school will be out.

Wow. When I jump and land at full force, I create an instantaneous blow of about 500 pounds. Check today’s webcam for more details.

Feeling: jealous
Listening to: My new Winamp Top 50 list

Boy, am I jealous. Of just about everyone. I often feel this way, but I’m usually just too proud to express it. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and lots of things that people would envy me about, but all of it’s material.

First of all, I’m jealous, and have always been jealous, of Ian. He runs, what, three webcomics simultaneously, and is the greatest internet teen success story I’ve ever heard of. I still get to talk to him since I’m big in #rpgcomics, but he’s just so… famous. I wonder if he really appreciates and *wants* all the fame he’s getting. Hu…

Then there’s everybody at Safety Monkey’s cam portal. They’re all in their twenties, they drink a lot of vodka, and have established positions on the net, blah blah, but I want on. I have a webcam. And a SNAPPY webcam. Yessirree.

And Bob. He’s always been a better writer, has always been able to keep up his little quirks (has been wearing a black hat forEVAR), and always seems to have a much more interesting life, according to his Livejournal. At least he has many more female friends than I. Or friends in general.

Speaking about that, there’s Steve and his new condescending, Max Payne worshipping, Slashdot-readin’ posse. I’m always in the wrong place when he and Felix and Billy and Simeon and lots of other names you don’t care about stay up all night having an all-out ORGY, as far as I know. Am I jealous and do I want sex? Heck, everybody does. But I don’t really plan to have sex as a teenager, and I’d rather have sex with someone I’ve actually KNOWN for more than one night. They could just be bragging sons of bitches being immature and whatnot, but I doubt it. I mean, virginity fades away from more rambunctious at my age… and that’s that. Furthermore, they all love their PC games. I don’t own ANY PC games. I’m on a budget for one thing, and I don’t really want to go around shooting polygons with my polygons.

Everyone I’ve mentioned is nice and all, but it may be just too much to reach out to them. I’d have to change myself into something I’m not to be recognized. I guess I don’t want that… all it would do is boost my ego and make me elitist. it’s probably just better to keep on doing what I’m doing, making MIDIs, and relating on a better level to people like James.

I’m still jealous of all those bastards, though.

EDIT: And Indogutsu, DAMMIT! Although his self-esteem’s too low to admit he has superior composing skills.