I’ve wavered back and forth on the topic of whether I’m an emotional person or not for quite some time. This indecisiveness could even be seen as a sign of being quite emotional, but I don’t really believe that to be true. Introspection isn’t brought on by lack of any type of stimulation. But I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern as to when I talk a lot about this sort of stuff – it’s when a lot of social activity or conflict is going on.
Which brings me to my next topic – my materialism. It’s basically non-existent. For example, what I brought to college was enough clothes to refrain from doing laundry too much, the usual linens and toiletries (even though that was quite scarce – no sunscreen, deodorant, liquid soap, etc.), a bunch of pens and paper for classes, and my computer. I brought the necessities. All the fun stuff I could have shown off was either thrown away or left at home, because I really didn’t feel any connection to it at all. If all of my stuff spontaneously combusted, the only stuff that I think I’d miss is anything of sentimental value.
Am I really that sentimental, though? I live in the present moment. I’ve been asked again and again what my goals and dreams are, and I simply could not answer. I feel no need for fame or fortune. And because I live in the present moment, the past and the future don’t really matter to me. The reason I’d cling onto something with sentimental value from the past is because I’d want to be able to remember it in the future. In that way, in terms of sentimentality, the future is as important as the past.
Which brings me to my next point – I know that who I am is not determined by what I own, but being able to show things that one cherishes is a clear sign of caring about oneself. I don’t think I really care about myself that much. Please don’t take this the wrong way – because I live in the present and don’t care for material posessions and don’t even retain much for sentimental value, my own life is not very important to me.
In this way, it’s good that I’m not a depressive person, because I seriously could be dead by now. But as I said, I’m NOT. I never would think of doing anything like that. Do you know why? Because it’s selfish. It’d be selfish to throw my life away. Because what makes my life matter is not me – it’s my friends.
The reason I’m so optimistic is because I have so much to be thankful for. I could make an endless list of things that are good about my life. The (quite shallow) basics are that I go to a great school, I’m intelligent, I look good, and I’m creative. But even if all that was taken away, there’d still be the the universe – the earth, the flora, fauna, the knowledge that people are out there living their life despite the inevitability of death, and most importantly, the bonds that people make with one another.
I’ve explained before that I want companionship, and I’ve also stated multiple times that I want to be more emotional, and these things are inter-related – what makes me so happy and gives me the capacity to feel sad is the fact that I can love other people. I can give meaning to other people’s lives as they give meaning to mine.
You could say that it’s selfless to want to devote your life to other people, but it’s just as selfish – in turn, these people devote their lives to me.
I noticed recently that I’ve never blogged about my past, so people wonder why I act the way I do – why I’m so thankful for what I have, yet why I take life in stride and live in the present moment. I’ll blog about that later. But I’ve come to the realization that friends are the most important part of life.