This afternoon has been slow and depressing. All of it was spent in front of the computer, as I attempted to get work done. It gets worse and worse every time I get on the computer… the more and more I try to do work, the more and more distractions there are. And finally when it comes to doing work, I decide to take a break. And then the cycle repeats. I say to myself, “okay, I’ll do some homework off of the computer!” and I end up falling asleep. And no, it’s not just because I’m reading The Scarlet Letter, I even fall asleep while reading something easy, like Harry Potter.

Also, my sister is a big problem… I’m the most educated in math at my mom’s house, although that’s not saying much. So here’s my sister’s dilemma… she claims she gets homework that asks questions about things that she hasn’t learned in class. She goes off on a bitch-fest every time I assume this, but I think that the real problem is that she’s just not listening in class. Especially since her homework asks similar questions each night. Since I’m all for truth and justice, I moan and whine almost as much as she does when it comes to helping her, since I think she should find the answers herself, by 1) thinking, 2) reading the math book, or 3) looking at previous math assignments. She’s too lazy and wants me to do the work for her. And when I still decline, she cries. Well, that’s the downside to being a 6th-grade yuppie.

I’m taking advantage of what I refer to as my “new free time,” though. Since I’m not drawing Midgard anymore, that leads me to believe that I’ve got all the free time in the world, so I’ve accepted every MIDI request yet, and I’ve also agreed to draw (!) an upcoming comic for Bob. So not only will I be doing the same stuff as before, but I’ll be more stressed because of all of the stuff on my “To Do” list. (For all of you reading this, don’t withdraw your requests in sympathy… despite my current stress level, I am eager to get all of these projects underway.)

Another giant leap I’ll make is to reveal my desire for a girlfriend. I’m lonely. But even more so, I’m shy. To cover up the fact that I’m shy, I don’t pay much attention or respect to people of the opposite gender. I don’t comb my hair, I don’t take showers or put on deodorant in the morning (BTW: for all of you locals reading this, don’t do some stupid “backing away” procedure the next time you see me… it’s really insulting), and I act like a total fool just to slightly amuse my good friends, at the expense of the general public’s respect for me. The only good part about it is that I’m not emotionally in need of a girlfriend. I mean, I just said that I act foolish at school, right? Well, that’s pretty much unconcious. Although it still shows I’m shy with girls, It’s also a sign of being emotionally stable, isn’t it?

I really wish that I didn’t act so different around people I find possible as girlfriends. I stutter, I don’t have anything interesting to say like I normally do, and I’m overall boring. But to people of the opposite sex that I just see as friends, I treat them as, well, friends! Ugh. This is just another thing that I have to stop blaming others about, and work on myself, instead. I blame “society” and too many other factors on my problems. I don’t do enough about them. And even stating what I don’t do isn’t going to get me to work on doing them, either. It’s just going to be a slow process of self-help.

Ah… it feels good to actually make a serious blog for once, that shows actual emotion and doesn’t use any of my dopey humor cliches to get a rise out of my readers. I refrain from just ranting most of the time since I don’t want to be told to “feel happier and better,” like I do to many people who have dilemmas more often. It’s just insecurity about voicing my own feelings. And the worst part: when I’m feeling lighter and more jolly later, I’ll look at posts like these and tell myself that I complain too much about the little things. Well, that’s what personal sites are for, aren’t they.

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