ITALICS

One day I was walking around a bookstore and I came upon Regis Philbin’s autobiography. I flipped through the pages and noticed a pattern – at least one sentence per page was fully capitalized. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was because he was trying to convey the feeling of yelling to get his (intended as hilarious) viewpoint across.

So okay, I decided to pass off Regis Philbin as a bad writer. But I notice that those around me are engaging in a similar practice, yet they are using the powers of technology to mask this insidious deed! Yes, they are italicizing their words instead of capitalizing them.

And so, I humbly request that you, my dear friends, please consider letting silly topics like “monkeys” or “pirates” flow freely through your work, unhinged by the dastardly <I> tags, or simply ceasing to be clever completely. If your friends are really looking for a laugh, they’ll brush up on their reading comprehension and take it upon themselves to find your bouts of hilarity, rather than having the hilarity find them.

14 thoughts on “ITALICS”

  1. I’ve noticed a lot of italics/caps abuse! I use it to convey sarcasm and emphasize on certain words. SOME PEOPLE USE IT LIKE THIS BECAUSE THIS SENTENCE IS REQUIRED TO BE FUNNY.

    1. also realistically, Regis probably didn’t author that book. Someone from the internet was commissioned to do it!
      I seem to remember a lot of Howard Stern’s books being 50% in caps.

  2. If I can speak in different tones, shouldn’t I be allowed to filter my text in such a fashion so as my personal wording style is translated to text seamlessly, more effectively replicating the experience of talking to me in real life only without providing the opportunity to strangling me in mid-sentence?
    Of course for formal writing it’s a different story.
    But when you’re reading about the Regis, I imagine one of the objectives of the books was to replicate the Regis experience.

  3. Have you ever heard Regis Philbin TALK?
    HE TALKS IN CAPITALS TOO, JEFFREY!…. EXCITEDLY!… TO GET HIS HILARIOUS POINTS ACROSS ON THE TV! Then he goes back to normal caps. THEN HE GOES ALL APESHIT AGAIN! I will admit, that it doesn’t work very in text. But it does work marvelously if you picture Regis Philbin at his Live with Regisiest telling you his life story.
    Some things need emphasis. Some tangents need to be noticably seperated. Some choose to use caps to convey silly dialogue and/or frustrating emphasis to make it visual and visible.
    Not everybody can pull off just straight text.
    The world you present to me without any sort of earmarking of text would only work in Ricky Gervais’ and Stephen Wright’s autobiographies.

      1. And perhaps require a reading guide written by Kelly Ripa or Kathie-Lee. But it’s not really written by them since it’s just 99 pages of blank paper. But it still manages to come off as condescending.

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