I came back from an energetic movie a few nights ago, and the “extreme” feeling of racing through the suburbs to return back home really got me to thinking – with my mundane lifestyle, am I really happy?
I’m definitely not sad. Only good things are happening in my life right now, and I have a whole lot to be thankful for. Regularly, I’m not emotional at all. I go and do things, I have fun, I eat, sleep, talk, go about the usual things – but I never throw fits of rage, joy, sadness, or anything of the sort. I’m level-headed, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m happy with that. I know people who live on the extremes – those who go through major ups and downs – and although I still respect them and have many of them as friends, I don’t want to be like them.
What would make me happy, though? Do I want to feel happy? Can I have a major up without having a major down?
I return to my statement that I’m thrown off by the concept of relationships between girlfriends and boyfriends, and the like. I tried one earlier this year. I was disenchanted. Nothing went wrong in the relationship at all – we got along very well, we did things together… but what made me want to get out of it was what wasn’t there, rather than what was there.
Maybe a reason I don’t want to look for anyone else as a significant other is not the fact that I think the whole concept is dumb, or that I’m unemotional, or that I’m disillusioned by the whole “prize possession” factor of having a girlfriend (rather than being a boyfriend)… I think the reason is because I’ve found someone, and we can’t be together.
Like I said, I’m an honest person. I just won’t mention her because she might not want to be mentioned in public… if you ask me privately I’d be glad to tell you.
I had a conversation with her last night. She’s already seeing someone. But she’s amazed at how alike we are, and thinks that it’s a shame we can’t be closer than just very good friends. But neither of us are interested in breaking any moral codes – she loves the one she’s with. But the fact that she sees this in the same light as I do to such a degree made me cry. I wasn’t crying because of sadness, nor was I crying because of happiness… I still don’t know what I was feeling. It was just a release of what’s built up inside me over the past few months in terms of yearning for her. I knew this was the only solution a long time ago, but now I’m glad that she completely understands me – I have to move on.
Where do I go from there, though? I don’t want to start looking around and coming up to every girl I see, saying they’re cute, giving them a whole bunch of material stuff, running errands, etc. etc. etc… that just makes me a “player.” I’m sure I’m capable of finding “girlfriends” on that level – I’m attractive, smart, clean, and a million other things that I can boast about for hours on end.
My solution? I can’t wait until UC Santa Cruz. I can’t wait to make friends there. My friends, no matter how emotional, unemotional, superficial, or deep, are the ones that make me a happy person, and I know I’ll find people in my new college setting that make me feel wanted, like I feel now.
<CHEESYENDING>Until then, I’ll love the ones I’m with… my friends!</CHEESYENDING>