Waste

In my Psychology class, we cover all sorts of topics, from adolescence to peer pressure to alcoholism to sex – and you can easily tell how all of this is related, though. I’m shocked by most of the stuff I hear – how much goes on with kids my age. I brag, saying that I’ve never abused drugs or alcohol, and I’ve never had sex – all those (yes, including the last one) are activities that shouled be directed to legal adults. I convey my record of complete social abstinence to 80’s Guy, and being the opinionless blob (mentally) that he is, he just nods and gives a “thumbs up but actually really thumbs down” sort of gesture, or a “good job although I don’t really care and I’m the same as you only I just don’t talk about it” sort of gesture.

You can’t really be sure of what 80’s thinks, since I called him an opinionless blob, and I’ll do it again – he’s an opinionless blob. But I can tell you for sure – the only reason I prance around so proudly is because I’m so goddamn jealous.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m jealous of the jocks, the populars, the YGG’s, the whatever-you-call-it. Many people would gawk and ask why I’d like to be like THEM, the airheaded preppy patriotic athletes that rule the school, the neighborhood, the country. I’m an “intellectual,” as many, MANY people like to call themselves. I’m different, I’m unique. And like any adolescent must supress these “urges,” I’ve gone long without any type of rebellion against parents and real “participation” in the true social lives of the people around me.

I may just be paranoid, but I find myself doing so much less overall than all of my friends. I already mentioned the same old drugs/sex crap, but yeah, it’s also the “rock ‘n’ roll” – I don’t listen to much music (I own one or two CDs), I don’t watch any TV, I don’t go to the movies much anymore, and I just don’t follow the media in which almost everyone submerges themselves.

Is everyone else really more shallow than I am, since they all listen to the same music and watch the same TV shows and movies and just do the same activities as everyone else? It’s not conformity, it’s doing what you like and finding people with the same interests as you. Simple as that.

So why do I find the need to try my hardest to act so unique and different than everyone? I dislike using this metaphor, and I can’t believe I’m really placing this label on myself, but I almost see myself as wearing some sort of social mask to make my individuality heard. And it’s not working. You understand what I mean?

Simply, my personality almost exudes a sense of falseness and I think that it scares people away. The nicest people I know are truly sincere about everything they do.

Overall, I’m content with the friends I have and the activities that I do, however limited they may be compared to those of my fellow classmates. But if I were born again, I’d probably try harder to become one of the crowd and try to push myself into popular culture more. I’d be a COMPLETELY different person than I am today, but would I be happier overall? In a sick, twisted, oversexed, overdrugged, media-saturated sorta way, yes. I’d be in “airhead” heaven.

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