Pentasmal

Stupidest thing ever.

Whole Foods, the local organic food supermarket, is now selling 8oz of fucking WATER for $2.50. And they’ve got the stupidest brochure to go along with it. I mean, look at this:

“At birth, approximately 75% of our body weight is made up of water. As our body ages, the percentage of water decreases. An elderly person’s body weight is only about 50% water. Water is essential to the performance of virtually every body function. We cannot live without it.”

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING SELLING SOMETHING. I mean, DAMN! This is dihydrogen monoxide, a rather freaking plentiful molecule around the whole world. I think we KNOW that we’ll die without hydration. We’re supposed to pay $2.50 for this.

Then it goes on to say that these “aquaporin” (which I so bet are made up (prove me wrong)) don’t let most “water molecule clusters” into human cells, therefore no matter HOW much tap water we drink, we’ll still DIE. Of course…

“The US Food & Drug Administration has not evaluated these claims. This product is not intended for the prevention, cure, or treatment of any disease.”

IT’S WATER, YOU FREAKS. And by the time the FDA does get to you, you’ll be bankrupt.

So what they do is they take all the flouride and other mostly beneficial trace chemicals out of tap water and they give you pure water that doesn’t CLUMP. Although everyone knows that distilled water is the purest you can get.

Damn. Either $2.50 is a misprint, or the world’s been shot to hell. And I’ve heard claims from people who have bought it. “The water tastes good” and “it’s got a clear plastic label on it… that’s cool.”

One more thing: I don’t think that buying bottled water is awful. I mean, it’s necessary at times, if you look at the story of Erin Brockovich. The people’s water supply was so contaminated that their lives were being ruined. So it’s okay to buy a 16oz bottle of Aquafina or Calistoga or even some generic brand for 33 cents (which is what I’ve seen as the usual price) if your water gives you AIDS or some shit. But $2.50! And we’re in Marin County, where there’s plenty of rain which washes away most pollution that is given off in this age where cars are cleaner.

So the next time you drink tap water and you don’t like the taste of it, move to another planet or something, because that’s how WATER tastes. Making it “purer” will not make it the drink of the gods.

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