I’ve been walking around in a daze today. It’s just so completely hard to put into words how I feel, but I guess there’s a good way to sum it up: I’ve never been so emotional about how emotionless I am. One would understand that this is a very hard thing to cope with. It’s wavering between two extremes, two extremes that are the reasons for one another.
I’ve written about how I’ve been emotionless before. I barely cared about the lives lost in September 11. I left my mom’s house multiple times without shedding a tear. It’s only been recently when I’ve been consulting and solving others’ emotional dilemmas that my own emotions have been coming out.
The most recent example is the masterfully done movie Amelie, which I saw today. Even though it’s lighthearted, it’s heartwarming, and it almost had me on the verge of tears. Getting into specifics, Amelie relates to me very much. Like Amelie, I have no problem living solitarily, watching the world go by while minding my own business. But once I get into solving the problems of others, it starts to occur to me that I need to feed my own building up feelings.
This caring for other people? This selflessly solving their problems? I barely have done anything in the past that has not revolved around personal gain. I call these selfless acts of real love, which I have really never felt in the past. It’s a real awakening for me.
Whether this is a step above my emotionless view from the past, or a backtrack into cheesy teenage emotions, I couldn’t care less. I think I’m old enough to live in the moment and decide how I feel about myself, and now, how I really feel for others.
What would make me feel best, though, is if I loved and was loved back. That possibility is not far away.