I saw Planet of the Apes last night. After a good night’s rest, and overall having recovered from stuffing my face at the local Fresh Choice all-you-can-eat buffet, I can think clearly about that movie, and how it sucked in so many ways.

I haven’t seen the original Planet of the Apes, but from what I’ve been told, this is a different story, the characters act differently (the humans more like humans, and the apes more like apes), and it’s just not as shocking as the first one. But this is what I’ve been told.

From what I’ve seen, Tim Burton dug himself into a plot hole and died. There are minor spoilers ahead about the Planet of Planet of the Apes, so if it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you don’t find out ONE THING about this movie before you see it… well, if you’ve read this far, you’re too late already.

  • There are horses on the planet. How the hell did they get there? The only way it would be explained is with yet another sequel called “Planet of the Horses.” If you watch the movie, you’ll see what I mean.
  • The apes are too scary to pay attention to. They act like apes, therefore they breath really heavily when the talk (WTF), they jump REALLY high (WTF), and some of them talk like they’ve got Halloween teeth in their mouths (WTF, although it’s probably non-intentional).
  • At one point, Charlton Heston, who plays the father of the main villian, Thade, in one scene, hands Thade a gun. Plot element destroyed. Burton must’ve forgotten about it – Thade didn’t use it once.
  • NASA made guns powerful enough to knock down trees, but not to shoot through clear plastic doors. Ugh.

Well, that’s that. I suggest you see it anyway, because… uh… I did.

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