I’m feeling really angry at about everyone in my hall right now. Maybe I asked for it by getting into the film-oriented hall, but even the most insightful of people are totally hypocritical and it even makes my head hurt. I feel pity, I feel insulted, I feel proud.
And pride is not as great a thing as people make it out to be. There was a group discussion, or rather a lecture made by one of the louder mouths in the area, just about life and the way we all live it. This guy who was blabbing was really proud, too.
He says that if he died right now, he’d feel as if he lived his life to the fullest. he’s gotten arrested 16 times, he’s seen people through withdrawals and other drug-related destruction, and all his talents make him what he is today – a loudmouth with a reputation.
And I, on the other hand, feel as though I lived my life with no problems, no major downs, no major ups, yet I still feel the same way – if I died right now I’d feel as if my life was complete. Or as complete as I want it to be.
Like I said in my entry about friends, I live in the present moment. This other guy wants to look back when he’s older and see how great his past was. Yet we’re both proud of what we’ve become. I think we really disgust each other, though – we’re opposites because of what both of us have and haven’t done.
Yet he’s accepted. I’m not. Of course, I don’t want to be accepted by those who don’t want me as I am. What I’m getting at is that the lifestyle of living in the extremes is desirable around here. If you haven’t experienced the lowest of the low and the highest of the high, you have no place unless you want to completely throw away your identity.
What’s one of the main determinants of what my “lifestyle” is? My choice not to do drugs. Sure, a little drunkedness and maybe some weed might not completely destroy you, but it’s just not for me.
I’ve been told that alcoholism and overall addiction runs in my family. I can tell it’s true. We’re all very fidgety. Often, a lot of my family members’ behaviors border on obsessive-compulsive. And I’ve been told that my grandpa was an alcoholic.
I don’t want to see myself drunk. I can act crazy and speak my mind without the influence of alcohol. And I don’t want to introduce the chance that I might fall into an addiction. The same goes for any other kind of drug.
Seriously. People say that alcohol and weed just loosen you up and let you speak the “ultimate truth.” You’ve got to be a pretty conflicted person to not be able to come out and say something without the influence of some outside substance.
I don’t ever find myself craving them. I don’t enjoy being around those who are influenced. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, but it still doesn’t even matter if I’ve tried it before. It’s not worth getting drunk over.
And at this point, the only reason I’d ever to that sort of stuff is to fit into a crowd I don’t like being around. It gives me all the more reason to be proud about myself and who I really am.
I’m a nice person, so I respect those who decide to have that as part of their lifestyle. I’m not going to impose this on anyone or preach straight-edgedness. But I’ll say I’m proud, and I think a lot more people I know would be better off if drugs and alcohol were such a big part of their lives.
And yes, I’ll be talking more about myself and my upbringing later. It’s why I italicized that I feel as though I lived my life with no major problems. That’s for you guys to decide.