Selfishness

Sophie told me a few days ago that Bryan does not intend to drive people around like I do once the school year starts and I move away to UCSC. It interested me – I mean, I can totally see his point, and obviously everyone who starts driving isn’t as enthusiastic about it as I was…

Even before I started CAR, the feeling always lingered in the back of my head that I wouldn’t be liked as much if I didn’t drive people around all the time. I restate: I DO like driving people around. It makes me happy to know that people are getting to where they have to go, and I get to spend more time with them, even if it is just in my car. But still, there are those that seem to take advantage of it.

Conrad, for example. He’s a really nice guy and he’s great to talk to. I’ve had some amazing conversations with him and we’ve done a lot together. But from time to time he’s tried to reach me and basically get me out of my way so I can drive him somewhere. Like a few nights ago – I was driving with Sophie around San Francisco and Conrad calls up, wanting me to “hang out” back in San Rafael, and sooner or later he gets to the point that there’s no one there to drive him home. That made me feel kinda bad. My company, insight, or personal presence wasn’t really needed – it was just my driver’s lisence and luck that my dad didn’t sell his old car and gave it to me instead.

On the other hand, the reason I was out that night in San Francisco was because Sophie was sorta stuck at Annie’s in Point Richmond for the whole evening with nothing to do. So I crossed two bridges that night to drive her around, and take her to BATS, and stop off at RTA, and pick up food at Denny’s. But what I did was more than just transportation – I provided company. I felt needed because I was an actual human being that could be talked to and understood.

My social status has changed over the past few years, and definitely for the better, but I still feel like I’m only accepted because of the work I put into providing services for people. I ran the DDR club, and I got a lot of people interested in DDR as my friends. I drove people around at the Oasis, and I was accepted into the social scene there because I could lend a hand with my car. Almost everyone that I hang out with nowadays spends so much time with me because I’m the chaperone. Because that’s my main contribution, people feel as if they can’t confide in me as much, because I’m just a driver.

What I envy of people like Sophie or Lauren is that they are good people to confide in. I’ve heard of several people having their problems solved simply through nice, long conversations with them. I just wish that more people would talk to me about their actual feelings and thoughts rather than just their interests.

‘Course, there are some barriers that keep people from doing that with me. James can attest to that. He’s talked to me over the years about his dilemmas and emotional states, and although I’ve listened well and given him some concrete advice, I think I was too hard on him. It was my jesting nature that really kicked in – I had minutes of entertainment going “haha, James, you suck because you have problems.” That sort of negative reinforcement isn’t as effective, but it worked one way or another. Basically, James wouldn’t recommend me after what I have or haven’t helped him with.

I think I should simply be more social. Go up to more people, on or offline, and just ask them how they’re feeling. If they’re anything like me, they might just open up and a nice, solid, meaningful conversation might ensue.

9 thoughts on “Selfishness”

  1. Took the words right outta my mouth. :P
    I appreciate that concrete advice all the same though.
    I’m lucky to have had more than enough help in the past to get me through, including you. Therapy, Bryan, Lauren, and more therapy = win.

  2. don’t be so hard on yourself, jeffrey… i dont think people necessarily aviod you, it just happens by circumstance. at least thats what it is for me; you’re never around when i need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to, or a hand to hold onto. i think your ideas about being more social will help you become a better friend to everyone.

  3. Ayeo..
    Well, I’m glad that you didn’t think I was just using you as a ride- that was just a really nice thing you did(thanks again!). And I had fun that night. The fact is, I don’t think anybody else who has been coming recently to BATS enjoys it as much as you or I. Luckily you were up for it ^_^
    As for the listening part, I try to be open to what people say, and in turn give my opinion. Lately I feel like I might have been a little more blatant with people than usual, but what I tend to do is, rather than blatantly state what I think they should do, I state what the outcomes of their choices would be, in my eyes, and let them choose from there.
    Who knows… in any case, once I get my licenese/a car I will probably drive people around quite a bit, considering I don’t like to stay at home, and I can’t stand being alone and not knowing what’s happening. For me, a car won’t just represent freedom, it will give me a little more structure in my life ^_^ And I actually feel like I need that..

  4. i dont care
    i really dont fucking care who gives me a ride jeffrey. i like hanging out with you, you just happen to also have a car. i’d want to hang out just as much if you didnt. when there are other people with cars, i tend to try to get rides from them over you seeing how you seem to drive so many people.

    1. Re: i dont care
      Yeah, I’m sorry about that… I guess I singled you out there, but I felt as if a boundary was sorta crossed. Can’t be too dependent, you know.
      Er, I did “even it out” by saying some good stuff about you, though – and I didn’t do it intentionally. Hope I didn’t hurt your feeings by pinpointing just you.

  5. Dude, I know exactly what ya mean. It’s hard to get people to open up sometimes and talk about something more than just “what they’re into”. I’ve lived for almost a year with people who hardly ever want to talk much to me about that sort of thing, if ever…and I almost feel like I missed out on something really big from not ever doing that. …I suppose it might just be the people who you talk to sometimes, though.

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