Take a minute to read it; this doesn’t happen often.
It’s extremely difficult dealing with a person who is mentally unwell. I’ve dealt with a few. The difficult part is that you have to treat the person as if they’re not in such a mindset as they are (let’s call them “crazy” for short). Basically, you have to treat them in a saccharine manner so they treat you back in the same way.
First example of this is my stepbrother, Jason, who’s got Down’s syndrome. He’s in his mid-30’s, but he acts like a perpetual 6-year-old. What are you going to do, tell him to act his age? No, you’ve got to put up with his whining when you turn off the TV, take him bowling, take him out to dinner, play with him, etc. etc. There’s nothing that’ll solve his disorder, it’s just something with which you’ll have to deal.
The real thing I’m getting to, though, is my mom. My sister can easily attest to this, but I mean this in all seriousness when I say that she’s got a mental problem. It’s a mental problem in the way that we all have mental problems – we’ve all got our quirks and they’ll be with us forever – but this is quite a dire case. What her problem actually is isn’t as important as how it’s dealt with, but I’ll give a run-down on our little history.
When my sister and I lived with our mom (I stopped living with her around the age of 16; my sister this year at 15), we were subject to verbal abuse. Yelling, insults, the like, because of things like grades, activities, but mostly communication between her, us, and our other set of parents. It got to a point where she became so fed up with us that she would evict us from her house and bring all of our stuff to our dad’s. Because she was apologetic and I was forgiving (but mostly because I had to take care of Lily), I moved back twice before I evicted myself the third time around. Lily wasn’t as forgiving, and she gladly moved out of our mom’s house rather permanently.
Why, exactly, did it get to this point? Because we wised up and realized that the sort of disciplinary bullshit she was feeding us was just that. The things she was complaining about were in her head. There was nothing wrong with us. She demanded that we accomplish ridiculous goals, and we were suffering because of it. By the third time that I left her house, I was laughing at her because of her claims.
Three years later, I realize that I was laughing at someone who was a lot like my stepbrother.
My mom is capable of intelligent conversation, is a good artist, writer, and has a plethora of other admirable qualities, but she also has severe emotional problems that interfere with her reasoning, logic, and I would even go as far as saying her memory. This is the reason that I continue to deal with her – because even though I don’t think that these problems can ever really be solved, it’s not entirely her fault that she has them. Ever since I left her house I’ve refused to argue with her, and it’s shown a great improvement in our relationship. Yes, she continues to yell, and I continue to be only receptive to the point where I understand how she’s feeling when she’s not “crazy.”
I feel my sister isn’t at the point where she can deal with this. It really shows. It gets to her. It gets to me, too – my mom, who I’ve known for 19 years, is “crazy” and it’s taken me a very, very long time to realize this. I don’t blame my sister at all for not wanting to interact with her or have anything to do with her.
Today, a day after my dad and stepmom left for a vacation, my mom invited herself over and had yet another “talk” with us. We could tell that she wasn’t in the best of moods, and that it was pretty futile to try to reason with her. I tried to convey to her, as I usually do, that you can get what you want from other people if you treat them with respect and positivity, and, as expected, she agreed.
It wasn’t 5 minutes later that my mom demanded that my sister call her every day to tell her where she is and what she’s doing, even though we are not staying with her and she has not been given any rights by our other set of parents to supervise us. My mom ended up calling her own mom to get her argument backed up (and what else would my grandma, as a wise old woman, do? Shun her? Tell her that her concern is totally without backing?), but all my sister would do is tell my mom to leave. I (and my mom’s boyfriend) just sat and watched, feeling hurt that she had completely ignored what I was telling her just 5 minutes ago about respect and positivity.
A few hours later, my sister and I had plans to see a few of my mom’s art pieces in a gallery in San Francisco. My sister, obviously after this horrid encounter, refused to go. I went, though, mostly to maintain a cordial, respectful communication with my mom, under any circumstances.
This is why I’m so torn. As far as I can see, my mom is emotionally endangering my sister, but it would only hurt the both of us more to completely shut her out and pretend as if she doesn’t exist. All I can do is smooth things out, like I’ve always done. And now, especially with my parents off on vacation, it might prove to be a full-time job.
Thanks for reading. And for everyone else, thanks for reading this final sentence, I guess.
That certainly sounds like a rough situation to deal with. Hats off to you for being able to maintain a level of maturity throughout the whole ordeal.
While I might not be able to relate to your circumstance, I can only wish you the best of luck in dealing with her in the future. Hopefully, your sister will learn how to deal with your mother more appropriately in the future.
I’ve never thought about craziness in that manner. That’s a very interesting and (I think) helpful outlook.
I’m glad you’ve been able to keep things going. Good luck.
I’m not sure what to say, but I’m letting you know I’ve read.
You’re doing the best you can do by (trying) to not let things blow up; I think you do want to end your relationship with your mom when you get a good chance, though. Otherwise it’ll drag on forever and drain your sanity later on.
Yeah, I second those kudos (as a random person that you barely know yay)…I have some issues with my parents too and I don’t have the ability to remain calm in the face of those issues, which you seem to.
I don’t see how I could ever do that.
Clarification: well, I could see it happening. My sister is definitely trying to do it but she really can’t at this age. My mom has a very bad (and now inexistent) relationship with her dad… but I really don’t want that. However crazy she always will be, I’d rather keep in contact with her.
I done read it… and I’ve heard you say it before, mostly. Lily will grow and learn to adapt to it like you did. She’s a strong kid.
You could just say what you just typed out to your sister. It might help her see things from your point of view.
That’s what I would suggest too.
Actually, she read it. She’s on LJ. 😛
me = sister, hi
While I totally understand that the “treat-her-like-she’s-handicapped” approach is really the way to go in this situation, I just don’t find myself having enough patience to do so (yet?). Perhaps, and hopefully, it will come with age. It’s just hard to do. It’s weird for me to have to be more mature than my own mom.
I was in your place a few years ago, and yes, you do learn to deal with it, and I think you’ll be a stronger, better person for it. As they say, it “builds character”. =)
and it’s unfair that you have to be more mature than your mom, and for you to be guilt-tripped if you don’t get all the support and understanding that you expect from a mother.
it’s not hopeless, but you can’t really force a change/solution… kinda like how old roommates can drive you crazy until you move away, and then you remember their better times. 🙂 [/$0.02]
Rambling…
Hi Lily and Jeffrey!
This is Cady. Lily, I don’t think you remember me (I’m Bryan Groza’s girlfriend) but I surely know you as my career as a stalker is flourishing wonderfully. Anyway, I know how you both feel. Unfortunatly at 13 I had to choose to move 500 miles away from my mother because she was very similar to yours though she also had (has) a chronic drug addiction problem. I’d say that you’re right; it is incredibly difficult to have to be more mature than your parent at such a young age but it’s even worse to let someone like that take over your life and have complete control over your emotions. My step-mother also has the same anger issues and she has the ability to manipulate the entire house so that people are walking on eggshells just to keep her happy. And when I let her bullshit get to me, I end up in therapy, on medication, crying all the time, and taking it out on my friends. So treating her like she has a mental disease is easier, I suppose. But it doesn’t make her any more rational and there are certainly times when I question who is right in the situation.
I kept thinking that everything would be better once I leave for college but I guess, judging by this post, that it doesn’t just go away. Regardless, I’m glad you were able to get at least a little bit farther away from her because it really helps. And you’re fifteen (right?) so at least you’re old enough to realize that what she is doing to you is wrong. Many kids don’t even know that abuse isn’t common so they just take it right up until the day they move out or someone tells them it’s unnatural. And you’re both very lucky that you can stand up to her too.
Anyway, I don’t have anything really to say except that you’re both doing a good job, even if you can’t keep everyone happy. It will get easier and you’ll find other stuff to keep you occupied.
Thanks for sharing, Jeffrey.
I appreciate your posting this. I can relate.
Amen
I’m stuck in much the same place. I can’t hate my mom because I know that how she acts is not her fault. And I hate not being able to hate her. That would make it so much simpler.
At least you’ve come to terms with it, and good luck with maintaining that balance.
I empathize with that. I mean, my mom has her quirks but now I find them more entertaining than anything else. My sisters don’t get along with her as well, but then I enjoy pointing out how much they’ve turned out just like mom. When we were kids it all seemed out of control and unhappy, but now my mom is happy so even if she’s a little nuts it’s better.
Plus adults are all crazy, now that I know a lot of adults (or in many cases e-dults), they’re all big kids in one way or another with tantrums and fun stuff. Sure people grow out of things, but it’s more interesting what they don’t grow out of to me. But this last part wasn’t even all that related to anything
I already left a comment with Lily letting her know that I’m around for a while if she needs someone, and the same goes for you, anything from picking up something at the store to… I don’t know, whatever you guys need. I can’t imagine this is very easy for you guys to deal with (having never been in your shoes). I can’t identify, and so I really don’t know what to do or say, but I figure the best thing I can do is let you know that I’m always around with love and support.
the more i look, the more i see moms like this, in varying degrees.
yours is a more serious case with the verbal abuse though.
all cases have one thing in common: the mom doesn’t think of the child as an adult, a friend, or a subordinate, but as a child requiring her help to make any decision.
everytime i see angst, i see a mom, or other important guardian, acting like this.
i hate my mom for this. moreover, i hate how i’ve begun to imitate her. but i can’t do anything about it because she doesn’t understand what she’s doing wrong. leaving her would be pointless, because i want her to change, not get depressed and get worse.
at least, i can’t do anything untl i get to college anyway.