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Angst time. I don't know why somebody would want to read this, but it's going up anyway. I need someplace to vent, and punching the pillow (no) isn't going to do it. It's basically the same thing I wrote earlier this year, only with a few variations.
Now playing - random Beatles stuff. Even though they're probably the Fab Four's most overplayed songs, "Let it Be," "Hey Jude," and "Yesterday" still kick ass when you're depressed (oxymoron almost wtf).
Surprise, my grades are slipping, thanks to AIM and my millions of buddies I trade dumb pictures with. I can't remember a night when I've been in bed by midnight--yesh, it's unhealthy, yet I still do it...I'm just letting myself go or something, I dunno. I've reached a point where, after three years of homework and effort put into papers and assignments that teachers barely even glance at, I've said "screw it," slacked off big time, and am staying up later than usual. Why? I don't know. Is there a reason for extreme laziness? I've probably stopped caring about school a bunch of times before this, but can't remember a specific time. Who cares about then, I still managed the 4.0 last year. Then, I had one honors class that was barely an honors class, and one AP class that I still managed an A- in because the ditzy teacher was nice. This year, I have 3, count 'em, 3 AP classes and Honors physics, officially making this the Year of the Ass (Chinese ehe). If somebody threw in a 7th period class, I'd be dead by now. Stuff that's eating me up? Oh, plenty
My AP Calc teacher assigns us problems so hard and numbering so many that even he can't do them sometimes. My grade is already a C- (my counselor: OOH BUT THAT'S PASSING DON'T GET DOWN ON YOURSELF" please do yourself a favor and shut the fuck UP it's a C-)
So I get five hours of sleep at best, wear gaming and Canada shirts, have to listen to ignorant Canada bashing and stupid jokes almost every day at cross country (and can't say anything in return--remember, defending Canada isn't half as "cool" as dissing it for no reason), have a stutter around people I don't know, am ugly as fuck, and I wonder why I'm miserable some days. I swear, unless I get speech therapy in college or something, this stutter is going to fuck up my life. Henry David Thoreau comes to mind (lifelong virgin ahahahahahahaha).
If there's some class or just friendly discussion I could probably fit into during class, I can never get a word in without having to pause to let my breath come out right for about five seconds. And of course, in class conversations where you have a tiny window to get a word in on the discussion, I have no chance to sound "cool" or even "intelligent" because by the time I'm able to say something, we're on a different topic. The thing is, the less I know a person, the more I stutter around them. It's intimidation, nervousness, SOMETHING. I can rant on around my family for minutes on end, but put me trying to answer some question for a guy I don't know too well in the DDR club, and it's TIME TO STUTTER FO SHIZZLE (great E2 article). It's some kind of mental reaction that triggers a physical reaction in my trachea, maybe. *checks Dictionary.com*
"To hesitate in speech, halt, repeat, and mispronounce, by reason of embarrassment, agitation, unfamiliarity with the subject, or as yet unidentified physiologic causes."
Yeah, that's exactly it. God dammit...a medical condition is me. When you think about it, when you can't talk for a good length without coming off as a loser, that's a pretty fucking important part of life that gets damaged. Everything revolves around communication. Why couldn't I be dealt anal polyps or something? Ooh, I sound smart when I say "polyps" and "trachea"? Shouldn't bring those words up around high schoolers if I want to sound cool. I mean, look at me, I wear glasses, I must be a bookworm. I must love math and science.
I fucking hate math and science.
My physics teacher is a bigger ditz than Biology teacher last year--unprepared, condescending, arrogant, snappy, and has no control over the class (where she answers by being more mean). I'm thinking of dropping it, but the principal probably won't approve of my reasoning--conflicts with rest of schedule, am not at all involved in the learning process (pseh), want to strangle teacher with dental floss...I have to have something weighty.
AP Calculus? Give me a break. I can't believe I signed myself up for that after I barely managed a B in regular Pre-Calc. The whole class is comprised of HP Pre-Calc students who goof off the entire class and still manage good grades. They know the stuff from last year, and know each other. Meanwhile, the two other Pre-Calc students (make that one, since the other is some prodigy who should have been in honors) and I are struggling to keep up. At least "Kriffin" sits at my table. =|
While we're at it, my cheery strangle-worthy French teacher cares so little that she homework-stamps whatever is on our desk, be it the assignment from the previous night or not. I've seen her stamp a blank piece of paper, my math homework, and my application for the DDR club. You can kinda see why I've begun to hate that class as well. Not to mention that the class is full of hot junior girls that I watch have conversations with one of my best friends while I sit and stare and try to utter a word (and fail)...fucking high school.
Oh, just to top things off as all these thoughts were hanging in my head, my last working pad broke down today in the DDR club for some god-knows-why reason. Folding? Huh. Jeff's didn't break when they were folded. Yay, take away one more thing that gives me pleasure.
To quote Simbo, "I need a girlfriend."
To quote Almasy, SO LONELY.
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