{"id":399,"date":"2002-09-08T00:26:00","date_gmt":"2002-09-08T00:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jeffreyatw.wordpress.com\/2002\/09\/08\/mind-dump\/"},"modified":"2002-09-08T00:26:00","modified_gmt":"2002-09-08T00:26:00","slug":"mind-dump","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/2002\/09\/mind-dump\/","title":{"rendered":"Mind dump"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here’s my little composition<\/a> for the day. It’s a small MP3 that I made with NoteWorthy Composer<\/a>, MIDIG<\/a>, Hammerhead<\/a>, and GoldWave<\/a>, as proof that Sketchee<\/a> knows damn well what he’s talking about when it comes to software. You happy yet?<\/p>\n

I feel so much pity for my real-life self.<\/p>\n

There’s got to be a name for the emotion I’m feeling right now. One could easily say it’s sadness, but there’s no reason for my feeling it. Does there have to be? And I can’t really tell what the emotion is stemming from either. Is it sympathy for other people who are hurt or lonely? Is it simply a sugar low? Can I feel really good while also feeling this way?<\/p>\n

I have great friends, I have a great community, I have all I ever need, I have a great life. Is what I’m feeling emptiness? I despise people who whine about their emptiness, especially those who are often in the spotlight! If I’m even better off than they are, supposedly, then why is it that I feel like there’s something missing?<\/p>\n

Could it be that I feel compelled to write about my emotion because I don’t want to do anything else? Am I feeling insecure, like all these things I don’t need to do are putting stress on me? I feel like I need to mentally scream. I want to be fulfilled. But I don’t think there’s anything that can do it.<\/p>\n

No, I don’t think it’s companionship either.<\/p>\n

I’ve been recently feeling like beating up on myself. I keep scolding myself for doing new and different things. My mind and body are telling me that I am trying to boost my own ego by reaching out to people. I argue with myself.<\/p>\n

No one else matters – no, that’s not it, everyone matters but me. I keep swaying back and forth to the two extremes of selflessness and selfishness.<\/p>\n

The toothbrush and toothpaste are right there in front of me. I’m about to go to bed. I am not too tired to brush my teeth. I have a mental battle on whether or not to brush my teeth. Why NOT? I really should. I feel like I have my first cavity in the left side of the roof of my mouth. But what part of me is telling me to resist and not brush? I often tell me to hurt myself in that way. I bite my nails. I rip out the insides of my cuticles because they’re there. I know it’ll leave scabs and maybe scars in the long run but I just love doing it.<\/p>\n

Why am I working out? Why am I bleaching my hair? Why am I waking up in the mornings to shower, brush teeth, shave, gel my hair? Why did I wear that muscle shirt last week? Am I enjoying it? Have I been programmed to enjoy it? Who am I impressing? Do I want to impress the types of people who judge by appearance? Does my bleached hair make me a poser or an outcast? Are all outcasts posers, or are all popular people posers? What’s the definition of that? I was called that in a very cruel manner by someone who I thought I was on good terms with.<\/p>\n

Is this all angst? I enjoy feeling melodramatic and soap opera-ish. I love indulging in emotions that I really don’t need to feel. Is it because of my age? Should I feel guilty supressing and forgetting about these emotions when I’m thinking of better things?<\/p>\n

How am I seen? Am I really the crazy silly guy? Do I never show any real emotion in real life? Can I be taken seriously? Should I feel insulted when people who aren’t as pensive as I am try to throw away my thoughts with cries of silliness? Should I feel bad jumping and hopping around the silent, quiet, depressed people?<\/p>\n

Although I haven’t done it in a while, and although this blog has pretty much made me let go of my feelings for now, I really have to set up some time to have a nice cry or two. It may be a real-life way to deal with all these inner conflicts.<\/p>\n

Aaahhhh.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here’s my little composition for the day. It’s a small MP3 that I made with NoteWorthy Composer, MIDIG, Hammerhead, and GoldWave, as proof that Sketchee knows damn well what he’s talking about when it comes to software. You happy yet? I feel so much pity for my real-life self. There’s got to be a name… Continue reading Mind dump<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/399","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=399"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/399\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=399"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=399"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeffreyatw.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=399"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}