“It’s coming down on me! It’s, it’s- AHHHH!!!-” I woke up. I was gasping. I looked at my clock. “8:45!? I’m late for school!”

Before I knew it, I was out the door running.

My school is Weibel. I’m in 5th grade! My teacher is Mrs. Locklan. As I opened the door, everyone looked at me. They were checking homework. Homework! I forgot to pack my backpack.

“And Jeffrey? Jeffrey?” Mrs Locklan asked.

“I forgot,” I murmured.

“That will be inside lunch recess for you,” she quickly stated.

My name is Jeffrey Faden. I’m nine years old. I love computers.

Speaking about computers, that afternoon, we had a computer lab.

I started my computer. We started the Internet.

Just then, I felt a sucking feeling coming from the computer. It was sucking me in!

“Whoa! Whoa! WHOA!”

Total darkness.

“Wh-where-where am I-I?” I mumbled.

“You are on Netcom Avenue,” someone replied while I discovered it was late evening.

“Who are you?”

“I am Mr. Http.”

“Wait a minute! Isn’t that part of an internet adress?”

“Got to go! Here’s my card. So long!” Before he went, he whispered something to me.

On the card, it said:

Name: Baud Http

Adress: http:http.html

Zip: 11101001101

Occupation: Server

If you need any help, fax me at 423-8886.

“Talk about weirdness!” I exclaimed.

I heard a yell. I saw a flash.

“Simeon?” Simeon is someone in my class. “What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here, Jeffrey?”

We saw a sign. The sign said, “WELCOME TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB. Population: 10001011101″.

“The World Wide Web! That’s an Internet server!” I stated.

“The Internet! That’s where we are!”

“???” I asked.

We took a cab on the Information Superhighway to a strang place. I faxed Mr. Http a question:

“Where are we? What should we do?”

He faxed me back:

“You are in Modemsville. Go see Mr. Megabyte.”

I looked in the Net Search (what did you expect in the internet? The phone book?).

“There’s no Mr. Megabyte, but there is a Dr. Gigabyte.” Simeon said.

“Okay, let’s try him.”

“His address is http://modemsville/gigabyte.com. Oh! That’s his house right there!”

“Funky house!” I exclaimed.

“Let’s go!”

We clicked the doorbell. We didn’t hear anything. We knocked. No answer.

“Let’s just go in. The door’s unlocked,” Simeon shrugged.

I opened the door. It was really dark in there! “Let’s go, Simeon.”

Inside, I could see nothing. Suddenly, the lights flashed on. So suddenly that action scared the living laydights out of me!

“Who is th-ere?”

“It is I, Dr Gigabyte.” sneered a voice.

I saw a bald-headed man in a white suit. He had a lightning bold-like mustache with gray hair around the side.

“What do you want?” hissed the voice.

“We just want to go home!” we whimpered together.

“Do you know what happened to the last people that wanted to go home with Dr. Gigabyte?” he scoffed. “They were erased!” he thundered, and his hands turned white with little sparks flashing around them.

Voom! Lightning bolts shot from his electric hands toward us! We dodged and they missed us. The place where they hit turned black.

“Simeon!” I yelled. “Go into the basement! On the circut panel, press the big red button!”

While he went, I kept scampering from the lightning bolts.

Suddenly, I heard a loud click. Everything turned wavy. Then, I felt like I was going right through a transparent wall. I saw the computer lab. I was there. Everyone stared as if I was an alien.

Simeon appeared. Everybody did the same thing.

When my mom came to pick me up from school, she asked, “What did you do at school today?”

“Nuthin’,” I mumbled.

The End

Image stolen from EK…

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Went to a Catholic funeral, moved in with my girlfriend.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I resolved to lose weight and move out of the Tenderloin, and I did the latter. Next year I just gotta keep doing that weight thing – probably play DDR at least once a week in addition to going to the gym.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not yet! Anna’s sister is on schedule for late March.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Anna’s grandpa did.

5. What countries did you visit?
The east coast.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I wanted a living room and I got one! Next year – a cat of my own maybe?

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April Something! Moving in with Anna.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Releasing a major corporate website, becoming a teacher.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting my gums get so bad – but that was over a few years. At least I’m going to the dentist regularly again!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Besides the aforementioned bad gums, not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A king-sized memory foam mattress. Haha just kidding it was an engagement ring

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Anna and my family’s for being so accomodating.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My former roommate for scamming me out of a month’s worth of rent!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Taxes! But I became a salaried employee early this year, so that shouldn’t become a trend.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
It hasn’t happened just yet. ENGAGEMENT

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
“Fuck You”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier!!!
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter!!!
iii. richer or poorer? Richer!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Small hangouts with a friend or two. I need to get to know individual people better.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas at my dad’s, although it was the least festive year yet. The rest of the week’s been spent at Anna’s.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I’m kind of already down in there

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
We went back and watched a whole lot of early Simpsons this year.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
N/A

25. What was the best book you read?
I picked up some great comix at APE this year. Even got Ian‘s new mini-thing!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tune-Yards, the National.

27. What did you want and get?
I got to move in with Anna!

28. What did you want and not get?
Muscles.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bridesmaids was pretty great.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 26 – Woke up at Anna’s parents’ place, had lunch with my mom, and headed back up for some birthday pizza (mac + cheese + bacon, and meatball marinara).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Spending time hopping around the bay with random people, maybe

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Less t-shirts. Pants that fit.

33. What kept you sane?
My coworkers in the face of corporate silliness.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Patrick Stewart

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Occupy, SOPA

36. Who did you miss?
I think I kind of saw everyone this year!

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Anna’s got some cool famblies.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Lighten up and don’t let sarcasm consume you.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can’t think of anything and if I can’t think of it next year I’ll probably remove this question

The concept of fandom actually bothers me a bit — it seems like describing yourself as a member of a “fandom” means you’re more invested in the community that has grown around a given thing than you are in the thing itself. And while I can appreciate the sense of community and enrichment that being part of that community brings, it also prevents people from trying new things. Doctor Who is a great show, but there are so many people out there doing Doctor Who fan work when they could be making stories of their own. MS Paint Adventures is a great comic, but there are so many people out there making troll versions of themselves when they could be making comics of their own. Of course I’m probably biased. Because I’ve been “making things of my own” for years now, I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t do that.

Retweeting when someone replies to you with a compliment

The cardinal sin. There is no reason anyone would be at all interested in what some random person thinks of you. Your mom stopped caring when you turned five.

Retweeting when someone includes you in a jumble of usernames with the “#ff” hashtag

Congratulations! Someone thinks you’re worthy enough to be part of the cast of characters in their Final Fantasy fanfiction. Your followers already follow you. When they see that you’re included in a list of people to follow, they second-guess whether they should have followed you in the first place. Do you want that?

Retweeting when someone replies to something that you say

Unless what the person says is funny or interesting in its own right, there’s no need to retweet them for all your followers to see. Not even when they’re answering a question. We don’t want to be invited on a quest to discover the answer, since no one cares but you. If anyone did care, they’d check the replies to your question themselves.

Putting pound signs before words, or concatenating words prefaced by a pound sign

Pound signs serve no purpose; remove the key from your keyboard. I don’t care that it’s also the key for “3″.

Telling people where you are

No one has to know that you’ve left your basement. Take it to Google Latitude, where no one will hear about it. Have you ever bragged about patronizing McDonalds before the advent of Twitter? There’s no reason to start doing so now.

Posting nothing but how relaxing of a day you’re having

One can only surmise that you are only relaxed when you’re tweeting something pleasant, and at all other times you’re a nervous wreck.

In summary, if you ever stop to think about whether what you’re about to post has any relevance or use to anyone besides yourself, the answer is probably “no”, so put your phone away and pay attention to the tree you’re about to walk into.

This comic from 2008 details the basics:

• ★★★★★ – A song I could listen to over and over.
• ★★★★ – A song I would play at a party.
• ★★★ – A song I’d listen to on-the-go, but not with other people.
• ★★ – A corrupted or misnamed file. I’ve got a smart playlist which acts as a to-fix list for these.
• ★ – A song I don’t want on my iPhone, for one reason or another.

Out of 100GB of music in my library, only about 300 songs have a 5-star rating. There just aren’t many songs I could listen to repeatedly, and even then, they might get stale, prompting me to downgrade some to 4 stars.
4-star songs that I used to think were cool often get downgraded to 3 stars, because my taste in music (or taste in friends) has changed.
3-star songs are downgraded to 1 when I realize I get zero enjoyment from listening to the song.

I try to keep my library at 100GB, which is more than any music hoarder should ever need in the era of instant song querying via Google/YouTube. When I go over that amount, I take a few minutes to look at my iTunes smart playlist that contains songs whose album has an average rating of 1, and delete entire albums that contain no redeeming tracks.

On my iPhone, I make sure to automatically load any songs I haven’t yet rated. The remaining space is filled up by 3-, 4-, or 5-star songs with the oldest “last played” date. This ensures that my library remains “fresh.”

At home, I tend to play my entire library. That’s basically the only way I ever “upgrade” any songs from 1 star in case my tastes have changed.

Much like most of the content in this blog nowadays, I’ve written this here just so I can refer to something that doesn’t fit within 140 characters. So there we go. Feel free to chime in with any other music management suggestions if you got ‘em.

Some Mac/iOS developers on Twitter have been bemoaning the backlash from this not-so-new revelation – that the iPhone keeps track of every time you geolocate and stores it in a relatively easily-accessible database. I’ve heard arguments like, “this outrage is coming from a population that regularly checks themselves into Foursquare,” or “you’re at fault if you let this information get into the wrong hands.” I think these defensive statements are missing the point, and border on zeal toward Apple.

I need to reiterate my stance on this issue, lest I be grouped in with the down-with-Apple FUD crowd (or with the non-Apple-shareholder crowd): I don’t think this is a very big deal. As it’s been stated over and over again, recently: cell phone companies track your location and record your calls all the time, so the DHS or FBI or whoever can come down hard on you if the need arises. A history of where you’ve been over time might even seem useful to some. But I still think that blame can be placed on whoever at Apple decided to retain this tracking data indefinitely, and do so in an easily-accessible database file.

The reason Apple stores location data on your phone is so those who explicitly opt-in to provide “diagnostic” data to Apple can help improve their geolocation services. If Apple’s phones can tell them where Wi-Fi networks are physically located, then even devices without GPS technology can still be geolocated rather confidently. It’s a fascinating effort that I have opted to take part in, but I have two main concerns, which I have yet to hear good answers to:

• Why has Apple decided to retain tracking data on your phone indefinitely? According to Apple’s terms, diagnostic information might be sent up to twice a day. If that’s the case, why isn’t the data destroyed locally afterwards? Why can’t I destroy it without starting from a fresh iOS installation? Is there any further use for it?
• Why is it so easy to access this tracking database? When you sync your iPhone to any computer, the tracking database is saved along with the rest of your backup – and applications like iPhoneTracker have access to these files without administrator privileges.

I am not an iOS developer, and I can’t even claim to know the ins and outs of file permissions, let alone how the internal storage of my iPhone works. But I do find it alarming that this file can be accessed and I won’t even be notified or requested for permission. iPhoneTracker was created as proof of this. It’s child’s play for a malware developer to access this database and upload the information anywhere, and you don’t know the first thing about security if you trust in good faith that this sort of thing won’t happen.

I’m not mad at Apple. I’m not mad, period. I just have some unanswered questions, and it’s hard to get them answered amongst the squawking from all sides.

P.S. one non-argument I read earlier is that Android keeps a cache of your location tracking as well. I will hold Google equally responsible, but only if that cache can be accessed without root privileges, and if it is stored indefinitely. I might be wrong (by all means, prove me wrong), but I don’t believe either to be the case.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Got hit by a car, broke a bone, got fired, had metal put into my body, hired an attorney!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I guess not! I intended to lose weight and keep my job, but I’m the same weight and I got fired! Next year: same weight goal, and probably try to move out of the Tenderloin. We’ll see.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Don’t think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?
England, France, Italy, Germany, The Netherlands.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A living room! That would be cool.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Definitely when I got hit by the car in March.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a new job two weeks after getting fired from Linden Lab. Probably also successfully orchestrating a Europe trip.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting hit by a car (my bad), and getting fired (also my bad).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I still have dry, flaky fingers from last year. I think those are there for the long haul. Besides that… uh… how about the broken arm I had to nurse for the majority of the year? Still healing from the most recent surgery.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a MacBook Pro, making me a full-fledged Mac-head.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Anna’s. That is why we threw a nice birthday party.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
News media on the left and right. Thanks for all the fear, guys!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, then electronics (I bought two computers and a couple iPhones this year).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Europe trip – we started planning it in July and spent loads of time just putting the locations and times together. Also, the iPhone 4. I took a half day just to get in line for it. Sigh. :[

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
That awful Bed Intruder song probably

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Same
iii. richer or poorer? Richer!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
DDR. I tried to get back into it and failed. Of course, the whole broken arm thing threw a wrench into a lot of physical activity plans

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating at restaurants. I barely used my kitchen at all this year. Maybe when I move in with other people that use their kitchen, that will change.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We did the usual Christmas thing – hanging at Dad’s and opening presents on a green wooden table (close enough) – but my stepbrother Jason wasn’t around this year since he was feeling ill. The day after, I headed up to Anna’s parents’ place, and here I am!

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
All over again!

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Favorite new show was Veronica Mars, but I thought the ending to Lost was pretty strong.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
N/A

25. What was the best book you read?
Zeitoun

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Working for a Nuclear Free City, Javelin.

27. What did you want and get?
A well-paying job.

28. What did you want and not get?
I wanted to regain my range of motion by the end of the year… further surgery hasn’t really fixed that.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Toy Story 3

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 25 – Woke up at Dad’s, he drove me up to Sebastopol, and opened a lot of awesome presents from Anna and family. Spent the rest of the day playing with presents (Rock Band 3, Donkey Kong Country Returns).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
An unaltered skeletal system.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I wore a lot more button-downs this year. Baby steps.

33. What kept you sane?
Anna

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Patrick Stewart, Mila Kunis.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
WikiLeaks (when they released the Collateral Murder files back in the summer)

36. Who did you miss?
My New York family. I think I will plan on heading there next year

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My Lab Zero coworkers are a bunch of cool dudes. They make lunches fun.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Pay attention while making a left turn across a busy intersection on your bike, numpnuts!

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Oh man there is this song from a classmate of mine about riding his bike around and crashing and stuff but there are no lyrics

I’ve been holding out on leaving LiveJournal, mostly because I didn’t see TOO many shortfalls over other blogging software. It still allowed me to do whatever a blogger needed to do. But upon realizing that the future of LiveJournal is a bit sketchy, and that they’ve been placing JavaScripts all over my page that don’t do anything, and the only reason there aren’t ads all over my page is because I paid them a bunch of money a few years ago to become a “Permanent Member,” I decided it was time to pack up.

In other news, I’ve been hanging out today recovering from arm surgery, in which a big metal plate was removed from my arm, which was originally installed after I was in a car/bike accident earlier this year. I’m sure once my incision closes up and my bone heals (needs to fill in the holes that were left by the plate being screwed in), I’ll be able to regain the majority of the range of motion I lost.

I seem to be recovering pretty well, in fact – not a lot of pain, no more bleeding, and my diet was back to normal just hours after I woke up from the operation. And I spent all day moving from LiveJournal to my WordPress installation, so I haven’t gotten totally bored from lazing around at home just yet.